Healing...

...About 15 years or so ago, I would describe myself as an extremely spiritual woman. I mean, I ate, breathed, and slept Jesus and church. I was one of those who not only went on Sunday, but also on Wednesdays and Fridays....I rarely listened to "regular" music... The radio station in my home or car would always be tuned to the Christian channels, or I'd have in a gospel cd of somebody in the business...

I was at a point in my life where I was a young mother, I had just moved away from the state of Mississippi, my hometown, and everything that was familiar to me to go all the way to the other side of the country in the Pacific Northwest area. I just felt like I needed a change of scenery and pace, and I didn't want to raise my son in the Mississippi Delta, already knowing all the limitations of good schooling, diversity of culture, etc. that he'd have to experience. So, I packed up all I owned and left... I said to God, "Ok, I'm not going to be able to do this by myself. You're gonna have to help me."....I felt like He came through. He surrounded me with a lot of good people in a particular church that I joined, and that church became my family. It was what both I and my son needed at the time...but it only lasted a few years.

As with anything in life, that season played out and I moved on to another state and another phase of my life. I was still relatively spiritual, but the tenacity that I had once displayed began to waver. In this new phase of my life, I met people and endured situations that slowly over time drew me further away from the church and that place within myself where I would go to get that "refreshing" that I felt I needed....It became an on and off thing, until over time.....basically up to now, has become almost nonexistent...

It's almost like knowing that something is good for you, and knowing it's there within your reach, but for some reason, you just never take advantage of it....Maybe it's due to feelings of not thinking you're worthy to do so because of mistakes and decisions you've made....or maybe it's because you have some built up anger and resentment for things that you don't feel should have been allowed to happen to you....I think for me, it was a little bit of both.

Nevertheless, I have reached a point in my life where I have never been more in touch with my humanity, weakness, and NEED for divine intervention....It's ashame that we tend to always run back to that source in times of extreme need, rather than making a choice to partake of it when everything is looking and feeling great.....Human nature, I guess...But I have again reached a point in my life where I am beginning to take baby steps to restoring that part of myself that I feel I lost......I've learned lots of lessons over the last several years of my life-- one being that it's not good to take anything to an extreme....Therefore, for me, it's not good to be TOTALLY engulfed in spiritual matters to the point where I loose that portion of my humanistic side that makes me who I am, makes me be real with people to the point where I'm not "superspiritual and weird"....cause only God knows that I don't like being around those kinds of people.....and I've also learned that it's not good to go to the other extreme and live this life in such a dry, non-spiritual way that you totally shut out God from daily life, and only run to Him when things aren't going well.....There has to be a balance.

So, this is the first inner thing that has taken place with me for 2009. I had to learn to listen to that part of myself that needs to reach out sometimes and find the comfort, fulfillment, joy, empowerment, and sense of worth that I have spent a long time trying to find in people and things, and begin to find all those things in the higher power, God, whom I choose to serve.

It's personal for me......It's not something that I'm forcing on anyone who knows me, or who I communicate with....This is medicine I need to take for me....I'm not shoving the spoon down anyone else's throat.....You have to find the medicine that works for you.

So with all that said, I just wanted to post a selection that was once a very important tune for me to listen to when I needed to withdraw within myself and get that assurance that I'd need to take me through a situation...When I first listened to the song, I thought in the chorus they were saying "There is a bomb in Gilead."...I said to myself, okkkkkkk...I'm supposed to be comforted by knowing that a bomb is somewhere??...LOL....But it's saying there is a "BALM," such as healing salve, and it's comparing that to the healing power of God....I was glad when I found that out cuz I wasn't gettin the symbolism at first...lol

ANYWAY...I'll be listening to this one a few times today......If it helps anyone else who listens, then that will be a plus. Have a good day.

On the Real...

ON THE REAL....

I'm not happy.

I haven't been for a long time.

I constantly look for extrinsic happiness in the company of people or in the possession of things, but it never truly fills the void.

I feel like a failure. I know that I'm not one, but I FEEL like it.

My son has been extremely intelligent all his life, but now he's offically a college flunkie.

I'm in debt from paying back student loans and paying full semester tuition and fees for him.

I'm mad for not forcing him to work to pay some of his own debts.

I'm clueless on how to force him to do that, when I myself was raised to be taken care of.

My parents still spoil me.

I still spoil my son.

I have to give up an apartment I love and go back home at the damn near age of 40 and live with my parents.....(I know I'm blessed to have somewhere to go back to, but it still sucks nonetheless.)

My boyfriend was supposed to be with me today to bring in the New Year, but his brother died early this morning, so he has to go and be with his family in NY instead......I feel like crap because I still wish he would have come.

I feel that I deserve attention....I give out so much of it.

I need to be spoiled, by a boyfriend just once in my friggin life. (Did I just say friggin?)

I have a stack of ungraded papers and undone averages that I've yet to tackle, and I have to be back at work on Monday.

I have to be out of my apartment by January 18th, but I've yet to pack one box.

I'm going to have to take my pet scorpion back to the pet shop because my mother thinks it's the devil, and doesn't want it in her house.

I'm horny, but I'm trying not to be unfaithful to my boyfriend who I can't be with tonight to find the comfort in the arms of another miserable, horny soul. (I'm REALLY trying)

I just ate a foot long peppercorn sub from Quiznos and about a half dozen donut holes a couple of hours ago, and now I'm hungry again.....That's called comfort eating.

I'm about 15-20 lbs heavier than I was this time last year when I went on my weight loss mission.

I can't seem to slow down the production of cortisol, which is the stress hormone that causes fat to go straight to the waistline.....been workin on my azz to waist ratio for a while.....not goin well.

BUT ON THE POSITIVE SIDE....

I'm moving back in wit my folks and will be able to save about a thousand dollars a month give or take...

I'll be able to buy that new red Jeep Wrangler four-door that I've wanted for a long time.

I'll be living a little closer to work, so I should stop being late so much.

I get to take my pet turtle home to Mom's with me, and my Miniature Shnauzer who loves me to pieces is also there waiting for me.

I can help my dad out with some of his bills.

With the money I'll be saving, I can get back on Jenny Craig and finally lose the unwanted lbs.

I'll also have enough money to take a few weekend get aways now and then and travel to some spots I've never been....(New Orleans is on my list)

Maybe things will change and get better with me and my boyfriend in regard to the distance.

Maybe his team, the Kansas City Chiefs will win more games.

I plan on gettin to DA LAWD'S house more often.

I'm lookin forward to the MLK holiday and Spring Break to be on vacation, and then after that, the summer will be here before I know it, and I can sit at home for a couple of months and still get paid.

Hopefully, my son will find his way...or at least see a little light at the end of the tunnel and move toward it.

Like I'm trying to do.

Happy New Year

My People, My People...

http://blogs.bet.com/news/newsyoushouldknow/?feed=rss2


Now, I am definitely not discounting the whole Jenna 6 issue, and the passion, anger, and pride I felt in the process of seeing how many of my people gathered to support those young men; but now I wish that some of those same leaders, like Al, and Jesse would rally together, take Mychal Bell in a broom closet somewhere, and whoop is lil iggnent azz....

I mean, how can you, after all these people came to your aid over such a sensitive public ordeal, then go and do something as retarded as shoplift some damn tee shirts and jeans and risk putting yourself in the public eye, thereby discrediting any credibility of character that you may have earned and virtually spitting in the face of black people everywhere?....I'm sorry that you felt you had to try and take your life because of the humiliation, but WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

Ok, ok....I guess I'm supposed to take a step back and examine the underlying factors by which this teen felt he needed to shoplift, and consider all the pressure he's had to have been under for a long time, but why can't my people learn to take the struggles they've endured and use that as a catapult to launch into a greater existence and purpose, rather than digressing into a state that "d-whiteman" wants to see you in anyway??.....That just really pisses me off.

So, while I'm glad that you survived the gunshot, young brotha, I still say that that broom closet and that Al/Jesse beatdown should still be awaitin yo azz...Happy New Year.

Duality of Self

I decided to make my first blog a simple snapshot of my ambiguous self. I consider myself to be a serious-minded individual on certain issues, but I also love the necessary art of laughter. In such trying times, one must find the humor in things. Being a teacher, I have to try EXTRA hard to do so. Therefore, this blog will be short and sweet, and simply give you a glimpse into my two versions of how I view the vocation in which I engulf myself in each day....Teaching the children, which is indeed, or at least should be, one of the Greatest Loves of All.....(SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!.)..LOL